Why The Frag Do I Have A Tail?
by StoleTheSpider
Summary: What do you get when you take one hopeful inventor, one new Energon invention, and one grumpy Weapons Specialist? One hilarious pony adventure! Another failed experiment leaves some rather amusing side-effects on our favorite grumpy, gun-slinging mech. Ironhide really isn't having the best of mornings... -Rated T to be safe!
1. Chapter 1

I've had a lot of My Little Pony Rule requests in my other Fic "Rules For Not Getting Squished" and I wanted to make Rules about all of them, but I found that this little plot bunny would not leave me alone! XD I don't know how far this is going to go or how long it's gonna be or even how funny it will be to you all! We'll just have to see! X) Anyway, here's the first Chapter of Why The Frag Do I Have A Tail? ~Enjoy!

Cycle = 1 Minute

Megacycle = 1 Hour

* * *

"Just a little bit more…Perfect!" exclaimed Wheeljack as he sat in his lab amid beakers of mysterious chemicals. He had been there all morning, denying all forms of social company and sustenance in order to work on what he kept calling the 'means to solve all their Energon related problems'. Many a 'Bot just rolled their optics at Wheeljack's exuberance, but left him alone to perform his experiments all the same. Who knows? Maybe Wheeljack would actually invent something that would actually solve their problems instead of just blow up in their faceplates like all of his other experiments.

"I just need a dab of this and…viola! Finished! Now all I have to do is show it to everyone else." Wheeljack preened, proudly holding his finished product aloft. Wheeljack's new 'invention' was a kind of sparkly pink color that looked nothing at all like Energon. Even as the new mysterious substance swirled around in its beaker it seemed to be emitting tiny sparkles of some sort. But the overall appearance of the invention was of no matter to Wheeljack. The substance in this beaker would be their salvation. One tiny drop of Wheeljack's new invention into a regular Energon cube and…well, he would leave his comrades to find out the results themselves.

Not able to wait any longer to show the rest of the team his success, Wheeljack immediately put a finger to his helm and activated his comm link. ::Everyone! I've finally done it! Meet me in the Rec Room so that we can try it out!:: The ecstatic inventor shut off the comm. link before anyone could have the chance to respond. Wheeljack knew that the replies, if any, would only be teasing disbelief from most of them anyway. Enough of his experiments had gone awry for this teasing to have been justified, but this time would be different. This time, his invention would work.

His prize in servo, Wheeljack rushed out of his lab and to the Rec Room as fast as his pedes could carry him, not looking where he was going in the process. He nearly stepped on several N.E.S.T. operatives in his exuberance.

Upon entering the Rec Room, Wheeljack was met with a mixture of disbelieving, teasing, and just plain bored looks from the rest of the assembled 'Bots. Some mechs were here only because they had nothing better to do. Others had come because it was immensely amusing to see one of 'Jackie's experiments blow up. The rest were there purely for academic purposes or to help mend whatever damage was caused because of the exploding concoction. More often than not, Ratchet was needed for the latter reason.

"Here it is! See! Perfect! Just like I said! All we need is one plain cube of Energon and one tiny drop of my invention and the results will be exponential!" Wheeljack sang.

With that, Wheeljack nearly skipped over to a table where a couple of Energon cubes were already sitting out, glowing faintly in the dimness of the room. He plucked up a single cube in one servo and slowly tipped a single drop of his slightly volatile pink liquid into it. As soon as the pink drop hit the glowing blue that was the Energon, there was a loud pop followed by a fizzing noise and a large cloud of pink smoke puffed out of the Energon cube. When the pink smoke cleared, the once blue Energon cube was now a neon pink. There were only traces of the original blue color of the pure Energon that could be seen making faint, swirling trails throughout the new pink substance.

"Who wants to try it first?" Wheeljack asked, pleased that his presentation was going along so smoothly. Nothing had blown up so far. Hopefully that meant that everything was going to work out okay.

Complete and utter silence along with the nervous sound of shuffling pedes was the only response that Wheeljack received. All the 'Bots that had previously meet Wheeljack's optics suddenly found something very interesting on the floor or ceiling. Wheeljack huffed.

"Fine. If no one wants to test it first I'll just have to test it myself." he said touchily as he started to lift his pink cube of Energon to his lips.

"Wheeljack. What does this new form of Energon do exactly?" Ratchet questioned, stepping forward before the inventor could take a sip.

"Well, it increases ones skills, among other things. Your strength will increase tenfold, as well as your speed. Those are the only positive effects that I know of for certain. There might be other side effects of a positive or negative nature, but nothing too serious. Any side effects that occur should wear off in a few megacycles. I promise." Wheeljack assured the surrounding 'Bots. His assurances did nothing to ease the nervousness that the mechs were feeling in taking the new 'Energon'.

"Wheeljack. I am not sure that this new form of Energon is safe for Cybertronian consumption. Have you performed any test runs?" Ratchet questioned.

"Yes! Multiple times in fact! Nothing blew up or anything like that. The machines that I fueled my new forms of Energon with were fine. Perfect score. No accidents."

"But were those machines advanced enough to simulate Cybertronian life?"

"Yes!"

Ratchet shot a quick glance at Optimus as the Prime let out doubtful 'hmm'.

Wheeljack sighed and lowered his Energon Cube. "Fine. How about I write up some reports and send you some test examples to prove that I'm right and that my new Energon is totally harmless. Then will you believe me?"

Ratchet exchanged another look with Optimus and nodded. "Only then. I want to be completely sure that this new...Energon is safe for consumption. You all know what happened to me when I tried my Synthetic Energon on myself without proper testing."

"How could we forget? The mental images of you kicking aft still terrifies me!" Sideswipe chortled from the back of the room. Several other mech laughed and chimed in with their own horror stories of the 'Doctor of Doom'.

Ratchet shot Sideswipe a glare, then nodded to Wheeljack as he started to head out of the Rec Room and to his quarters. "I expect to see your new test results, reports, and examples first thing in the morning. Then we'll talk about testing on live subjects...but only then. Goodnight everyone."

Other mechs that has assembled in the Rec Room simply to see a show and an explosion had gotten up and left shortly after the CMO. Soon, the only beings that were left were Optimus and Wheeljack.

Wheeljack let out a heavy vent and started to pack up his invention and the remaining pure cubes of Energon that were to be used for testing. Optimus stepped over to the table in order to help the inventor and, when everything was packed away, laid a comforting hand on Wheeljack's shoulder. "Do not lose hope, my friend. I am sure that your invention will be a tremendous help in our fight against the Decepticons. You need only make sure that it is safe. I can not risk losing any of my soldiers to unexpectedly disastrous side effects."

Optimus Prime then turned and headed off to his own quarters to file some data pads and plan his next move against Megatron and his followers, leaving the inventor to his thoughts and his sparking cube of Energon.

* * *

Next Chapter is already typed up! It's pretty short, just a warning, but after that one we can get on to hilarious pony madness! XD Oh! And if you see any grammar or spelling mistakes, please point them out to me! Hope these guys weren't too OOC.


	2. Chapter 2

Welp! Waaayyy later than I planned, but here's Chapter 2 of Why The Frag Do I Have A Tail! XD The thing is, a friend of mine told me about this game on a website called the Hub where you can actually make a MLP. There's Autobot armor in there and everything! I spent the rest of the day giggling madly at my computer as I made an Ironhide pony. He has a little 'I-will-kill-you-if-you-laugh-at-me' scowl on his face and everything! XD Too perfect! XD

*coughs* I am now in control of my emotions. *kicks fangirly side away* Enjoy this Chapter! It's a short one, but there is pony hilarity next Chapter for sure to make up for it! XD StoleTheSpider does not own the Transformers…Or else Ratchet _would_ become a pony for a day. Maybe it'd help him cool off a bit! XD

**Anonymous BW FG: **Not exactly a quick update, but here it is! Hope you enjoy it! And I wasn't exactly a fan of MLP either, but other people slowly got me into the show. XD It's cute. :) And my picture of 'Hide as a pony is totally adorable! X3 Cutest pony ever! Doesn't mean that he's any less threatening! XD Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Cycle = 2 weeks (I think...)

* * *

As soon as Ironhide pulled himself out of recharge, he immediately knew that something was wrong. He felt…different. The feeling was not necessarily bad or that of pain, but actually rather peaceful.

The joint in his left arm that had been damaged in his last grapple with the 'Cons was no longer bothering him. It used to sting like a glitch and would lock up every time he tried to raise it above his helm. Ratchet had done all he could to patch it up with their limited resources, but it had still bothered him. He had made another appointment with the CMO the following cycle so that he could try to make a few more repairs, but now that the joint was moving so smoothly, barely causing any resistance at all when he shifted it, there really was no point keeping the appointment.

Ironhide started to grin to himself. Maybe his internal repair systems had kicked it up a notch while he was in recharge and had repaired the joint for him. The excuse sounded strange to the weapons specialist, but he was willing to believe anything so long as the annoying pain in his joint stayed away.

The old mech made to heave himself off of his berth when he froze. All thoughts of his miraculously fixed wound vanished from his processor. Now something was really strange. His limbs…they were all wrong. They felt longer in length and wouldn't bend the way that they had used to. It also seemed that their positions has changed. His arms and legs were no longer positioned at his sides, but underneath him!

Now Ironhide was really concerned. Maybe his internal repair systems had worked _too _well. Maybe they had done irreparable damage to his chassis in order to repair some of his other wounds. What if all of his parts were scrambled? What if Ratchet couldn't fix him? What did he even look like? Some strange mutant freak? Was his helm in the middle of his chassis and his arms where his legs were supposed to be? Ironhide had never experienced this kind of fear before.

Ironhide immediately stretched and checked all of his extremities. One problem. He was missing some of his extremities. He didn't have any feeling at all in any of his didgets. The ends of his servos felt like they were stumps, devoid of any feeling at all. The same went for his pedes. His once sensitive pedes now felt like dull lumps at the ends of his legs.

What had _happened _to him?

And that was the last straw for Ironhide. He practically flew out of his berth as he scrambled over to his private wash rack where there was a large, ornate, mirror set up for his viewing pleasure. In reality, the mirror was a prank that Sideswipe and his meddlesome twin has installed. Ironhide had previously had had no use for the mirror…until now.

And what a use it was. Ironhide was almost too afraid to look at the image that would greet him if he peered at himself in the mirror. But Ironhide had to look. He had to know what was wrong.

His startled yell echoed throughout the base.

* * *

So short and choppy...^^; Sorry about that. Third Chapter is already in the works and should be up soon...but seeing as how I said that about this Chapter, I wouldn't hold me to that...^^; Leave a review and tell me what you think if you have the time! :D


	3. Chapter 3

As promised, more pony hilarity. :) Please point out any spelling mistakes that you see or any grammar mistakes! Enjoy!

StoleTheSpider does not own the Transformers...Yet...(mwhahahahaha)

* * *

"Wheeljack…you have five nanoclicks to explain yourself." Ironhide ground out, barely containing his anger.

It had been one pit of a morning. After Ironhide's shout, half the base had been jolted awake, Autobots and humans alike. The Autobots, quick to respond, had scrambled out of their berths and charged to Ironhide's quarters in what seemed like microseconds, leaving their human allies to scramble out of their respective beds, dash to get at least partially dressed, and hustle up some weapons to help defend their Autobot comrades from whatever was threatening their base.

As every available 'Bot and solider rushed to Ironhide's quarters, they had all quickly realized that the hallways, while they may be tall in order to accommodate Autobots, they were not very wide. After more than one solider was nearly squished under worried Autobot pedes, many of the humans had called a hasty retreat and had ducked out of the hallway to wait in a more open area, leaving the 'Bots to check on the condition of their friend.

And what a check it had been.

Back in the Rec Room, Wheeljack flinched and took a tiny step back, quailing under the weapons specialists' angry glare. "I didn't mean any harm. I just wanted to test my invention. You weren't supposed to…It's just…" For once in his life, Wheeljack was finding himself at a loss for words, his stammers and stutters only making things worse.

Optimus held up a servo, cutting off Wheeljack's weak stumbles at speech. "That is enough Wheeljack. I think you understand the gravity of your actions. Have you put together a suitable antidote yet?" the Prime questioned.

Wheeljack had the decency to look sheepish. "Well…Not exactly, no."

Optimus quietly vented to himself while Ironhide growled out a string of expletives. "Optimus! Do something! Look at me for Primus' sake! I'm a fraggin'-!"

"Ironhide. We know that your situation is less than desirable, but there is no need for that kind of language. There are younglings present." Prowl interrupted, shooting his enraged comrade a look.

Ironhide looked like he wanted to argue, but closed his mouth nevertheless and settled for throwing dark, murderous looks at Wheeljack instead.

"There. Now that we've all have had the chance to calm down, we can start trying to think things through like rational beings. How long do you think it will be before you will have a suitable antidote for Ironhide's…condition, Wheeljack?" Prowl asked the nervous inventor in a professional tone, clapping his servos in front of his chassis as if he were offering up a business proposal.

The inventor in question shuffled a pede and avoided optic contact. "Hard to say. The original batch was just supposed to be a prototype. It was a complete accident that it ended up working so well in the test runs. I was so excited that I decided to go straight to testing live subjects, despite what Ratchet told me. I didn't really stop to consider mixing up an antidote. I thought that this little experiment would be flawless-"

"Well, it wasn't! Now you're telling me that I'm going to be stuck in this…body…for who knows how long!? I'm gonna offline you!" Ironhide raged as he lunged for the downcast inventor's neck cables, evil intent blazing to life in his eyes.

"Ironhide! No!" Optimus shouted as he watched his weapons specialist leap out of his chair and lunge across the table at the startled Wheeljack. Things were really starting to heat up, and, of course, that was when Sam decided to make his entrance.

*whinnysnortwhinnysnort*

"Thanks for the ride 'Bee. I'll see you inside after you're done with the new guys." Sam called as he slipped out of Bumblebee's alt mode with a grin, giving his guardian a quick pat on the dash before heading inside the Autobot base.

The yellow Camero let out a tiny honk of acknowledgement and sped off towards a small side hanger where he was to help new N.E.S.T recruits become accustomed to the Autobots. Sam was pretty sure that he wouldn't be seeing Bumblebee anytime soon. If it was one thing that the new N.E.S.T. guys had, it was questions. At least he could hang out with the other 'Bots until Bumblebee's little Q&A session was over.

All thoughts of just relaxing in the Rec Room with Wheelie or Sideswipe disappeared as Sam strolled into the base's main hanger. Some kind of fight was going on and it looked pretty serious. Mechs were scattered about everywhere, all with similar looks of alarm on their faceplates. A downright terrified looking Wheeljack was being shoved out of the very room that Sam was trying to enter by Sideswipe and his twin. Other mechs were circling around what looked to be Optimus and Ratchet. Sam noticed that, as the frightened inventor was being shuffled out of the room, he kept shooting frantic looks toward the circle of mechs that was surrounding Ratchet and Optimus.

"What the…" Sam gasped as he stepped further into the hanger.

Ratchet was the first to catch sight of the very confused teenager. "Samuel James Witwicky! Vacate the premises this instant!" he shouted, optics wide.

"Ratchet? What's going on? Why's everyone so freaked out?" Sam questioned, completely ignoring Ratchet's order and stepping closer to the mob of mechs in an effort to get a better view at what the cause of concern was.

"It is none of your concern. Just-!" Whatever the medic was about to say was cut off as several mechs gasped and shouted simultaneously. "Ironhide! Stand down!" Optimus could be heard ordering. Sam moved around Ratchet while the medic was distracted in order to get a better look at what was going on.

What he saw nearly made him faint on the spot.

"Ironhide?!" Sam gaped, slack-jawed.

There, nearly being crushed to death in Optimus' servos, was what the Prime kept referring to as 'Ironhide'. But what Optimus was clutching couldn't be Ironhide. What Optimus was holding…was a horse! A really buff looking horse, but a horse none the less. A really buff horse that looked really, _really_ pissed. No wonder Wheeljack was nearly glitching. Just look at those hooves! They could do some serious damage to a 'Bot chassis. And…wait a second…

"Is that a horn on his head? Ironhide's been turned into _unicorn_?!" Sam crowed with a mixture of disbelief and glee.

Ironhide the unicorn must have heard what Sam had said because he let out a renewed scream of anger and increased his struggles to get at the hastily retreating Wheeljack.

"SAM! YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

"Alright! Alright! I'm leaving!" the brown haired teen yelped and quickly backpedaled out of the room, throwing his hands up in a surrender gesture as he went.

*whinnysnortwhinnysnort*

Back in the Rec Room, Ironhide was finally starting to calm down. Wheeljack had been forced to leave the room with Sam in order to start whipping together an antidote as soon as possible. Several mechs had followed the inventor to make sure that they wouldn't burst out laughing in front of Ironhide and enrage the mech, er…weapons specialist any more than he already was.

Only Optimus and Ratchet remained. The Prime had finally released Ironhide and Ratchet was currently giving the steaming unicorn a check-up.

"An experiment my aft. I HAVE A FRAGGIN' TAIL!" Ironhide snarled, his angry voice not quite as effective in his current form. Ratchet shot the former mech a look and continued his diagnosis.

Optimus crossed his arms over his chassis and gave Ironhide a stern look of his own. "Calm yourself Ironhide. Wheeljack said that the effects of the new Energon would wear off in a few cycles-"

"A FEW CYCLES!? I HAVE TO STAY LIKE THIS FOR A FEW CYCLES!?" Ironhide brayed, rearing back on his hind legs as he did so. The horn atop his forehead started to emit angry red sparks as the unicorn's temper rose.

With another stern look from Optimus and a scolding smack from Ratchet, Ironhide was made to stand on all fours again and lower his voice to a more reasonable decibel.

"This is madness. How am I going to fight the Decepticons in this form? I can't even go out in front of them looking like this! I'll be the laughing stock of the universe! I'll be made fun of for vorns! Optimus. Tell me there's something that you can do to reverse this." Ironhide begged.

"I am sorry old friend. There is nothing that I can do. All that is left to do is to wait for the effects of the new Energon to wear off. Surely that form is not that bad?" Optimus consoled, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Ironhide stared blandly at his leader. "Optimus. I have a fraggin' tail. And hooves. And don't even get me started on this ridiculous snout. I feel like my face is slowly dropping to the floor. Not to mention my complete lack of digits. How am I supposed to pick anything up? Like my weapons!"

Ratchet stifled a chuckle and gripped Ironhide's snout in one servo and shook it playfully. "Think of this as a learning experiment Ironhide. Yes, you have to go without your precious cannons for a while. That means that you have to actually have to act friendly towards others and ask politely for assistance when it is needed, which it will be, considering your lack of digits. You have to step out of your comfort zone, true, but at least you are not without weapons in this form. Just look at these teeth!" he laughed, slipping a cold digit into Ironhide's mouth in order to pry the unicorn's mouth open, earning a startled whinny from the former mech. "These teeth could do some damage of their own, given the chance. And don't even get me started on that horn of yours!"

"Ge' yer desgrusting 'igits outta mah moutgh!" Ironhide growled, trying to dislodge Ratchets digits and speak at the same time.

Ratchet laughed again, but removed his digits. He patted Ironhide on the snout, careful of his now delicate, organic frame and earned himself a scream of fury from the unicorn for his troubles. "Stop petting me like some fraggin' petting zoo beast!"

"My apologies Ironhide. Your new pelt is just so soft and luxurious. I'm sure that Annabelle will be thrilled the next time that she visits." Ratchet smirked at the steaming pony, knowing that if Ratchet was anymech other than himself, he would currently be bleeding out onto the floor, unicorn form or not.

Optimus gave Ironhide a reassuring pat on the snout as well. "Calm yourself. It will not be that bad. You shall be pack to yourself in no time at all."

Ironhide just fumed and muttered to himself, pawing at the ground in anger, as Optimus and Ratchet left the room, secretly locking the doors behind them as they left. They last thing they needed was some mech wandering in there and getting himself killed by accidently riling up the unicorn any more than he already was.

* * *

Kind of a rushed ending, but I hope that it was alright. :) Tell me what you think by leaving me a review if you have the time! Thanks for reading! :D See you all next Chapter!


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